The Most Badass Christmas Songs Ever

Every December, shopping centers and radio stations devote almost all of their airplay to the yearly tradition of round-the-clock Christmas music. The songs are meant to promote cheer and happiness during a time when everyone is trampling over each other during Christmas shopping sprees and dreading the inevitable visit from their creepy, drunken uncle while they drown their sorrows in a glass of eggnog that never really seems full enough. Nearly everyone (except that one asshole that arranges your office's depressing holiday party every year) gets tired of Christmas music days before Christmas even arrives. This is why it's always important to spice things up a bit, so here's are five Christmas songs badass enough to make Santa Bot himself weep tears of joy.

Christmas With The Devil - Spinal Tap

The clown princes of heavy metal, Spinal Tap made their contribution to the ever-expanding catalog of holiday music and reinforced their relationship with Satan with "Christmas With The Devil." Haunting organs give way to a guitar riff so punishingly evil, it could only be written by the original metal gods themselves. The band says the song doesn't promote satanism, but instead claiming "Man’s relationship with the Supreme Evil One is a very private affair. The song is just a depiction, imagining what’s happening with Satan this time of year. Think about it from the devil’s point of view is all we’re saying." The lyrics give further insight:

The elves are dressed in leather
And the angels are in chains
(Christmas with the Devil)
The sugar plums are rancid
And the stockings are in flames
(Christmas with the Devil)
There's a demon in my belly
And a gremlin in my brain
There's someone up the chimney hole
And Satan is his name

With "No bells in Hell, no snow below" Spinal Tap prefer their Christmas as black as the Devil's soul, and they wouldn't have it any other way, which is why they deserve a spot on this list. It speaks for itself, really.

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town - Alice Cooper

This classic Christmas song has always had creepy undertones painting Santa Claus as an omnipresent being that rewarded the good and punished the bad, but the cheery tune usually just left the listener without a care despite the fact the song exposes the jolly fat man as essentially Big Brother. Alice Cooper fixes this problem by giving the song the terrifying makeover it really needed. Want your kid to straighten up before the holiday season? Have him listen to this version of the song. Before you know it, he'll be shoveling the driveway and trimming the tree when he's not laying in bed awake at night crippled with fear at the thought of "Santa Claws" watching him while he sleeps. "He knows where you live. He knows that your window is open. He knows what's under your bed," Cooper says with menacing delight. Even though the original shock rocker is well past his prime, he gets this song, and does it proper, pants-shitting justice.

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen - Ronnie James Dio

From the moment you hear the screech of the opening riff of this song, you'll know this isn't a Christmas rendition for mere mortals. Dio tells the classic story of the birth of Jesus Christ with the powerful and eerie wail he is known for. The song, featuring chugging guitars and a marching drumbeat that will have anybody banging their head almost immediately, is a testament to the former Black Sabbath front man's ability to make even the most simple or fantastical concepts seem terrifyingly metal and evil. But make no mistake, Dio is on a mission from God himself. A mission to spread the word of our lord and savior, and if the face-melting guitar solo in the middle of the song doesn't make you a convert, then the Holy Diver himself will force the Jesus into you with his commands of "God rest you, God take you, God bless you, ye Merry Gentlemen!" at the end of the song. Now throw up those devil horns, soldier of God! Spread tidings of good cheer, or Dio will find you.

Run Run Rudolph - Lemmy Kilmister

Although the formula that made the original Chuck Berry version of this Christmas rock song great has largely been left untouched, it's the addition of one of the most testosterone-fueled voices in metal that takes it into the most badass of territories. Lemmy Kilmister's voice is like blazin' hot sauce for the ears. Just a little bit is enough to make the most stalwart of elderly ladies get out of her wheelchair and kick Scrooge in the face. Men would finally have a reason to look forward to mass on Christmas morning with glee if Lemmy lead the processions and gave the sermon with his gruff, throaty man-growl. Using only the power of his voice, Lemmy put a full Grizzly Adams beard on Rudolph made with hair ripped from the chest of the infamous mole that resides on his face. Any more testosterone, and Rudolph would be leading Santa's Sleigh past the houses of sleeping children and onward into the heat of battle, dropping bombs on Baghdad and waging war with his bare fists.

Merry Xmas (War Is Over) - John Lennon

Were you still expecting distorted guitar riffs and unnecessarily intricate shredding on a Christmas song for it to be badass? Then you clearly don't know the definition of the word, my friend. It takes balls to be the man who stands up on one of the most joyous and festive holidays of the year and Debbie Downer that shit into the ground, but the Beatles resident hippie did it with the most famous holiday-themed protest song ever. With this song, John Lennon decided to be the Christmas version of the guy who preaches about the slaughter of Native Americans to his family during Thanksgiving meal every year. But Lennon manages to pull it off with finesse. Armed with acoustic guitars, jingle bells, and a children's choir, Lennon reminds everyone that while they're at home on Christmas morning opening their presents under the tree, wars and violence still rage on elsewhere. He manages to do what no one else can: make being a hipster douchebag on Christmas feel much more tolerable than it really should, and for that, "Merry Xmas (War Is Over) is truly a badass Christmas song.